she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
