I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
