You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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