omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
