Me too!
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
