PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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