Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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