Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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