i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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