we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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