she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
