The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
