found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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