No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
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