he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
