Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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