I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
