This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
