So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
