You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
