Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
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