Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
