HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
