we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
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