I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
