hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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