I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
