happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
