does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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