Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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