Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
