You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
you guys were way drunker than both of me
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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