he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
