at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Randomize
