Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
