I'm so fucking centered right now
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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