i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
