My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
