Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
