I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
This is my gift to your gina
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
