I accidentally burped into my bong.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
