One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
