i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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