Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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