Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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