Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
