you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Randomize
