I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
ugly people sure do ruin things
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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