i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
