just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
